Conclusive Conceptions

This is my office. As you could see, I didn't get the biggest, it doesn't even have a window and it might even look a little bit like a glorified store room. But I've made it mine as much as I could and in that attempt, made is as beautiful as I could. The floral painting out there is something I got in the arts exhibition last year. The painter should've used bold yellow on the skies to accent the sunset. But yeah... Better than the junk at the reception, rite? This porcelain paperweight is Chinese and its said to bring good luck; but I don't know. Everyone knows that Chinese are good at selling BS. This pen, the calendar out there, my desktop wall paper and almost everything here is something I liked and chose. But my job...

*Phone gargles*

Just a minute...

"Good Morning. This is Geeks420. I'm Shreya. How can I help you?"
"..."
"Oh yes... yes Mottayyan. We are still trying to fill that position. Can you please forward your resume to Shreyas@geeks420.com?"
"..."
"Yeah. I understand. What is your rate?"

"..."

"Are you looking for benefits?"

"..."

"Ok. I'll forward that to one of our developers right away and let you know. What will be the best number to reach you at?"
"..."
"973...979...2797. Ok! I'll keep you posted. Thanks for calling."
"..."
"Bye"

Well... Where were we? Oh yeah... My job! I'm sure you would be smart enough to infer that my name is Shreya and I work for Geeks420 as a recruiter. An interesting name to a company isn't it? Our boss wanted to name it Geeks to at least have them in the name; but mother internet had conceived too many children at that point making my boss's dream impossible. So he added his birthday 20th April to Geeks and named it Geeks420; but the Indian Penal Code gave a suitable and hilarious perspective to it. Coming back to me, I'm commerce undergraduate, and an economics postgraduate relying ultimately on English which I never learned past my high school. Married to a software engineer working for Verizon, mother of two kids, trying to get more a-holes, if you will, added to this company. In the US, making a living with a single working member becomes tough unless your husband makes truckloads of money. With a husband like mine, you would've to work overtime to compensate.

Before I forget, I've to schedule an interview for the dumbo who just called. He's always available in the market and God knows how he's making a living. You know the worst part? He has a family with two kids... poor souls... and he wants benefits as well. Imagine... Paying him is an overhead and he wants insurance on top of it. Funny rite? And I'm not sure if this guy is one of those 23 yr olds with 10 yrs of experience and a post graduation; like they had a laptop in their mother's womb. Join me and I'll show you around. You wouldn't believe how much crap is going on here!

Do you see the one sitting in the next office? Her name is Priya.

"Hi Priya... How are you?" She's from North India and you could see the arrogance in everything she does. In what way? Well... err... it's hard to explain you know... But you'll feel it. She's another recruiter here. Hardly knows how to talk to a candidate and all her recruits are crappy. Last week she hired a candidate for 120K and you know what? The clients have deemed him unfit this week. Sort of like cutting the company's throat for the commission. All North Indians are like that... you know?

The one next to her is Tracy and I honestly don't know why she is being paid. She eats 6 times a day and walks around the floor for the rest of the time. Yells at the top of her voice all the time and even if she speaks the kindest words in the world you will feel like a wrestler punching you right on your face, particularly the ears. One person I can't stand.

The Chinky guy over there is Charles. He is from Vietnam or some other country that is hard to locate on the world map. But we have a convenient term - Chinky that can be applied to anyone whose eyes aren't wide enough.; and I always call him one. The funny thing is... he calls himself American. Getting a citizenship here and being an American are two different things in my view and this guy doesn't have a clue about it. Another useless recruiter who is so good at losing money gambling. Trust me. If he ever wrote an autobiography and named it "Top 10 ways to lose money gambling", he would've been a millionaire now. Not that he can write that well... you know what I mean... Insane guy loses half his pay cheque or check since we are in the US, gambling every month.

The five offices next to them are occupied by the sales department and don't even get me started on them. False promises stacked over false promises! I find their very sight repulsive. If they were able to get at least 1 customer per 100 phone calls, the company strength would've been doubled now. I think most of them just keep talking to their friends and family. Free lunch, free calls, free trips. Brain naturally dies you see. Useless fellows claiming that they have seen unicorns and angels.

This is Tom's cabin. As you would imagine with any boss's office, this one is naturally bigger than all the offices here with three glass walls. Only after meeting him I started believing in the idiom "Every dog has its day". Every Dilbert story I ever read is like his biography in parts and I get a feeling that being dumb is important to become a boss. There are times I feel intellectually insulted to work for such a guy; but then all bosses across the world are dumb and being a smart person, I can't become one. So there you go!

This is the most interesting part. The "Software Development" division filled with freaks who call themselves geeks. Look at their attitude and you'll know. No one here knows a thing about programming; but they yap about it for hours.

Do I know programming? No no. I hate sitting in front of a computer like an idiot and I think no smart person would do that. So I didn't want to be a programmer. But I know enough to know that these guys have zilch programming knowledge. I'd bet dimes to donuts that these guys don't have half of what it takes to be called geeks. And you know the funny part? We've like a hundred guys back in India who are so intellectually handicapped that these guys end up complaining about them.

I hate to make personal comments; but getting one of these idiots interview a prospective idiot is such a difficult task. They always claim to be busy and I always see them surfing the internet still having the air of "I'm a developer" pride around them. The funny looking guy out there in that greasy white shirt is the one who is supposed to handle the interview today. Just see what happens...

"Hi Praveen. How are you?"
"Am fine..."
"Can you do a screening for me today?"
"Today I'm quite busy. Can you get someone else do it?"
"No Praveen. Tom wants you to personally do this interview. It's an urgent requirement and it shouldn't take more than 30 minutes to screen."
"Well... I'll let you know by noon"

Let's walk back to my office as we talk. See... Didn't I tell you? Unbelievable arrogance. Until I say "Tom" he wouldn't even say anything close to a yes.

*Cell phone rings*

"Hello..."
"..."
"Yeah this is Shreya..."
"..."
"Hey hi... I just spoke to the developers. Have you sent me the resume?"
"..."
"Oh... Ok! Let me know whenever you are ready."
"..."
"Thanks Bye..."

*hangs up*

"you idiot!"

It's at Mottayyan again. God knows who named him! Says he's got a doctor's appointment that he forgot and he'll not be able to attend the interview today. What a lame way of saying "I have another interview to attend"? I'm sure he'll call back tomorrow and I should go begging one more time.

Good God... Why wouldn't I hate this job when I work for a boss who knows nothing but being a boss, trying to find arrogant freaks with zilch programming knowledge who will end up giving the "I'm too busy" crap to me? I hate this job so much and the day I get out of this job will be the happiest day in my life and this office would really go bonkers when that happens.

*phone gargles again*

"Yes Tom"
"..."
"Sure"

One minute. My boss wants to boss over me for some time. Dilbert time. I'll be right back.

*Ten minutes later*

You know what? The a-hole fired me. Says I'm not doing much work and they can manage without me. And you know the worst part? People have complained that my attitude is not good. How untrue and unfair? He didn't even think about my family and kids. I've been so kind to others. Never said a word about anyone. I so loved my job, you know!

What are you laughing at? People have become so selfish, disrespectful and disloyal these days. I just can't put up with them. Why is everyone...

*Door slams shut... voice fades*

Onsite - Short Story

12th floor of Elements high raised apartments in Bellevue. My clock says it's 7:30; but now that the Americans have manually displaced time by 1 hr, forcing it to run faster; the time is actually believed to be 8:30 PM. You know... like a lie that's universally believed. I could see almost the entire town from my patio and in the nights, the view is at is best. I should admit it gives me the "I'm on top of the world" feeling; though the reality is that the world is sitting on top of me and in fact, crapping all over me. I'm an onsite coordinator in a consulting company here. What do I do? Oh well... that's kind of hard to explain in one sentence; but let me give it a shot. I talk to the dumbest people on earth, frequently termed as clients; and then pass on my version of their expectation from our company to the silver medalists - the offshore team. In this process, I would've to make sure that my boss makes money and I also come up with a lot of documents explaining what, how and when things ought to be done with a clear conception that nothing is going to go on the way I've explained. And yeah... I also interview people who are willing to be crapped on, train people with zilch programming knowledge and convert them into programming gurus (or at least make them believe they are one). With these believers, I ought to deliver above and beyond client expectations without thinking about any increase in pay, as recession has affected the job markets here. What? Coffee? No no no... I don't supply coffee; and in fact none does. Heard it's against the US labor laws; and the employees are supposed to brew their own hot water... err... coffee!

Enough said about me! Let me try to make a Memento (as in the movie remade in Tamizh as Gajini; not a token of remembrance, that usually comes down to a soap box or the cheapest trophy in the market) out of my moments.

5 years back... Chennai, India

Manager (Imagine a middle aged, wheatish, stout person with a head balded akin to a Samurai, dressed in an apple green shirt and a brown pant with a black belt and brown shoes): What are you going to do getting a promotion? Trust me it doesn't help. Will you take a word of advice?
Me (5 yrs younger and 15 kgs lighter): Tell me.
Manager: I'll initiate your US visa. That's the way to go buddy!
Me (Rolling Eyes): Oh!
Manager: So, we are settled here. *Grins*

1 day back...

Me: I just did a comparison of the client working set with the repo and I see a lot of differences
OTL: Yes. Looks like I didn't check in some changes into the repository.
Me: But you said it's all in sync.
OTL: Yeah. My local copy is in sync.

3 years back... Chennai, India

Manager: I tried really hard for your promotion this time. It looks like you would've surely got it if you joined our company a couple of weeks before.
Me: But...
Manager: Don't worry! I'll surely get it for you next time.
Me: (Thinking, this has become a fable now) What happened to my visa?
Manager: It's on its way. Embassy takes its time you know...
Me: When do you expect it to be done?
Manager: Pretty soon. Don't worry! So we are settled here. *Grins*

2 days back...

Client: I'm not going to pay for this month. You guys have done absolutely nothing in the past couple of months and you don't even know how to set up a basic repository.
Me: But I heard from the offshore team that everything is setup and working. There should be some communication gap somewhere. I'll personally look into it and address it.
Client: You better do it!

Same night

Me: What is happening? Why can't you even setup a repository correctly?
OTL: Everything is fine in our checks. I've compared my working set with the repository and everything is in there.
Me: Did you always keep your working copy in sync with the client working copy?
OTL: Yes.
Me: Sure?
OTL: Yeah. 100%

2 years and 1 day back... Chennai, India

(There is this group called immigration team that's supposed to help us out with Visa processing and other stuff; but what they do best is to scare the crap out of you and perhaps make you think that you need a special petition to continue your Indian citizenship)

Immigration Team Member: These are your documents. It contains the project description too. Keep it by-heart. If you don't answer a question right, your visa will be rejected.
Me (Beginning to sweat a little): Looks like the description doesn't meet the actual project that I'm going for.
ITM: I know! But this document is your bible. If you don't know it in and out, you are doomed! (dialog from "Full Metal Jacket" echoing in my ears... "This is my document. There are many others like it; but this one's mine. My document is my best friend...")
Me: Ok. Thank You.

1 year back...

* Outlook notifies an email from client *

"... A school kid will do a better programming than you guys and you completely failed to be of any value to us..."

* Sky is filled with darkness and night announces its presence *

Me: I've repeatedly told you how to fix these issues. I've presented the solution. I've given you the specifications. I've been there staying up all night long... What else do you expect me to do?
OTL: I know! But it's working in our local copy.

1 year, 11 months and 2 days back... American consulate, Chennai, India

* Mixed voices in fast forward motion *
"Your appointment letter and passport"
"Your documents"
"Join this line"
"Is this the correct document for H1-B stamping?"

Finally, in front of the immigration officer.
Officer: Good Morning! How are you?
Me: Fine. Thanks. My documents...
*Officer seriously typing something and I was wondering how she found out it's not the right project in my petition request *
Officer: What is your skill-set?
Me: Oh skills... Yeah... Java, J2EE, err... Smalltalk
Officer: Your petition is approved. You'll get your visa in 1 week.
Me: Huh?! Thanks!

1 year, 4 months back...

Me: "Looks like the build is completely unstable. There is nothing working"
Offshore team lead: It works in my local copy.
Me: Ok... Let's try to figure out what went wrong; and have our discussion tomorrow.

1 year, 6 months and 1 day back... Travel desk, Chennai, India

(Travel desk is a bunch of guys who help you travel from India to other countries in the longest possible route)

Agent: We're working on your tickets sir. Please wait.
* 3 hours pass by *
Agent: Don't be in a hurry sir! See... This gentleman has his flight tonight. We are working on his ticket and you have a full day left! Don't worry you'll be in US day after :)
* Dumbfounded and back to the lobby *
* 3 more hours pass by *
Agent: Here is your itinerary sir. Your destination is Seattle; and you will go from Chennai to Mumbai, Mumbai to Bangalore, Bangalore to Delhi, Delhi to Beijing, Beijing to Hong Kong, Hong Kong to San Francisco, San Francisco to...
Me: It's ok! I'll take care!

1 year and 6 months back... Sea-Tac airport, USA

* Telling myself * At last...

1 year, 5 months and 29 days back...

Boss: Hope you have settled in here.
* continues without waiting for an answer *
You have been assigned to project A and project B. You may have to do some development in project B; but project A is primarily coordination. Talk to Arun and he will give you all the information needed. Ok? Take it easy man! * smiles and leaves *

4 hrs back till now... Soliloquy

Is it really worth working with these guys?
Am I really doing the right thing?
Is this what I'm destined for?
* Questions flooding my brains *

What? Why am I not going back to India? Well... That's an interesting way of looking at it. You know... Hey just a sec. Offshore call guys. BRB!

An Indian tale...

Sridhar Thyagarajan is an ambitious youngster in his late teens just out of his schooling. He is fair, tall and had piercing eyes that'd spell-bind any girl. Even though the society called them 'upper class'; his family's economic position wasn't any close to it. Sridhar's dad was an accountant in a private firm and his mother was a home-maker. His dad was one among the Julius Caesars of the middle class, who is constantly at war with his liabilities and commitments to meet the basic needs of his family. Right from his childhood Sridhar wanted to become a doctor and the sight of a white coat and a stethoscope decorating him in his dreams was amazing and blissful. The urge in him and his inborn brilliance made him a constant topper especially in Biology.

But as luck would have it, Sridhar had a severe hepatitis attack that kept him in the hospital for 3 months. It was a devastating thing that not just emptied his dad's reserved peanuts but also took away valuable time that he needed to prepare for his board exams. With not even a month left to prepare for all the exams he managed to score a whopping 92%. But 92% wasn't good enough for a 'higher class' 'upper caste' aspirant to become a doctor. It was a crucial position where he might get lucky or unlucky; and all he could do is sit and watch what was about to happen like an injured captain watching his team play from the stands and praying for its victory.

The big day came and the auditorium in Chennai Medical college was flooded with youngsters moving around with papers and files; as busy as bees in a hive. Sridhar has never been as tense in his life. His dangling position gifted him with a sleepless night and endless prayers which were still running constantly in his mind. There was still one seat left in the 'Open Competition' quota and as the candidates were called in one by one for their turn, Sridhar's heart started thumping so loudly that he could hear it echoing across the oblivion. "Sridhar... Reg no 501484" called the peon and with an anxious mind, high adrenalin flow and shivering hands Sridhar stepped into the small room. The officer glanced at him, confirmed his identity and asked for Sridhar's community certificate. Sridhar hesitated and mumbled that "I don't need a community certificate sir! I'm an OC candidate". The officer looked at him like a doctor who let down his patient and said... "Sorry! All OC seats are full. We only have BC, MBC, SC and ST seats left". Sridhar tried to plead but realized that the officer was helpless...

As he walked out of the room with sweat replaced by tears, he heard the officer talking to himself - "Every year, there are vacancies that are left unfilled and poor fellows like these are denied a chance. It's the curse of this country" and Gandhi was smiling as usual above the officer's head with a shining plate under him that bore the words "An eye for an eye makes us all blind".

I'm Kannan... Single... 30 yrs old!

Since I got into story telling mode in the previous post, I thought I could adopt the same for this post too considering the correlation it has to the current status of the Indian society.

Kannan is not so different from the other Indian youngsters. He is of average height, not so dark-not so fair complexion, loves cricket, spends a lot of time on Orkut and Gmail and he has a decent if not handsome appearance. However, there is one major difference. He is not into IT as most others are. He is a senior field engineer in a reputed firm at Ambatthur that manufactures spares for trucks and heavy vehicles. Until the time Kannan's parents came up with the idea of getting him married (In India, the parents decide bride/groom and incidentally the system works better than many others across the world), Kannan was a happy go lucky person who had a comfortable living with his 15K salary and lived life - king size. But then every happy story has a twist!

The first time he heard his dad conversing with the girl's parents was the first time he felt inferior in his life. The plan was that Kannan's parents would talk to the girl's parents just as a formality and then Kannan would meet the girl and talk to her. Courtesy - a popular matrimonial site that hosted Kannan's personality in his own words. Kannan took 3 full days to come up with the profile and the first few lines of the profile read "I'm Kannan, Single, 25 yrs old Mechanical Engineer working in a reputed firm. I'm a happy go lucky person with good sense of humor and I'm looking for a girl who is understanding, homely and cute".

When the profile had a response, Kannan was ecstatic and it was a usually unusual day where every guy has a kind of excitement about getting married and a virtual ball kept rolling in Kannan's stomach. His brain was thinking of ways he could start the conversation with the girl, the questions he could ask her and the topics that would be romantic while his hands were busy brushing his hair and his eyes scanning his mirror reflection a thousand times to ensure he's presentable. The hour finally came and Kannan's dad called up the girl's home.

Dad: Hello! May I talk to Mr. Karthikeyan please.
...
Dad: Hello sir! This is Rangarajan - Kannan's father. How are you doing sir?
...
Dad: I'm doing great by God's grace. So everything as per plan? Are we meeting at Kabhaleeshwarar temple at 10: 30?
...
Dad: But sir... You could've at least told us before!
...
Dad: Hmm...
...
Dad: That's ok sir! That's God's will. What else could we say... Thank You!

Kannan was confused by the conversation and suddenly all the excitement he had since morning was wading off. "What happened dad" he asked his father...

His father remained silent for a couple of moments and said "The bride's family doesn't want to proceed any further with this marriage proposal. They have a better profile - a software engineer settled in US, earning 200K per month in Indian value. Don't worry Kanna. You'll get a better girl".

Those words keep echoing in his ears all these years, every echo reducing the trust in those words and every rejection reducing the confidence in him. "After all 15K?, Mechaaanical Engineer?, Hasn't even been to US?, Was he a college drop out?" - different versions of the same story from different girls. Kannan is still unmarried, thinking about learning SAP and applying for a US H1 visa. The profile in his matrimonial site currently reads - "I'm Kannan, Single, 30 yrs old Mechanical Engineer working in a reputed firm... "