Saturday, August 14, 2010

Conclusive Conceptions

This is my office. As you could see, I didn't get the biggest, it doesn't even have a window and it might even look a little bit like a glorified store room. But I've made it mine as much as I could and in that attempt, made is as beautiful as I could. The floral painting out there is something I got in the arts exhibition last year. The painter should've used bold yellow on the skies to accent the sunset. But yeah... Better than the junk at the reception, rite? This porcelain paperweight is Chinese and its said to bring good luck; but I don't know. Everyone knows that Chinese are good at selling BS. This pen, the calendar out there, my desktop wall paper and almost everything here is something I liked and chose. But my job...

*Phone gargles*

Just a minute...

"Good Morning. This is Geeks420. I'm Shreya. How can I help you?"
"Oh yes... yes Mottayyan. We are still trying to fill that position. Can you please forward your resume to"
"Yeah. I understand. What is your rate?"
"Are you looking for benefits?"
"Ok. I'll forward that to one of our developers right away and let you know. What will be the best number to reach you at?"
"973...979...2797. Ok! I'll keep you posted. Thanks for calling."

Well... Where were we? Oh yeah... My job! I'm sure you would be smart enough to infer that my name is Shreya and I work for Geeks420 as a recruiter. An interesting name to a company isn't it? Our boss wanted to name it Geeks to at least have them in the name; but mother internet had conceived too many children at that point making my boss's dream impossible. So he added his birthday 20th April to Geeks and named it Geeks420; but the Indian Penal Code gave a suitable and hilarious perspective to it. Coming back to me, I'm commerce undergraduate, and an economics postgraduate relying ultimately on English which I never learned past my high school. Married to a software engineer working for Verizon, mother of two kids, trying to get more a-holes, if you will, added to this company. In the US, making a living with a single working member becomes tough unless your husband makes truckloads of money. With a husband like mine, you would've to work overtime to compensate.

Before I forget, I've to schedule an interview for the dumbo who just called. He's always available in the market and God knows how he's making a living. You know the worst part? He has a family with two kids... poor souls... and he wants benefits as well. Imagine... Paying him is an overhead and he wants insurance on top of it. Funny rite? And I'm not sure if this guy is one of those 23 yr olds with 10 yrs of experience and a post graduation; like they had a laptop in their mother's womb. Join me and I'll show you around. You wouldn't believe how much crap is going on here!

Do you see the one sitting in the next office? Her name is Priya.

"Hi Priya... How are you?" She's from North India and you could see the arrogance in everything she does. In what way? Well... err... it's hard to explain you know... But you'll feel it. She's another recruiter here. Hardly knows how to talk to a candidate and all her recruits are crappy. Last week she hired a candidate for 120K and you know what? The clients have deemed him unfit this week. Sort of like cutting the company's throat for the commission. All North Indians are like that... you know?

The one next to her is Tracy and I honestly don't know why she is being paid. She eats 6 times a day and walks around the floor for the rest of the time. Yells at the top of her voice all the time and even if she speaks the kindest words in the world you will feel like a wrestler punching you right on your face, particularly the ears. One person I can't stand.

The Chinky guy over there is Charles. He is from Vietnam or some other country that is hard to locate on the world map. But we have a convenient term - Chinky that can be applied to anyone whose eyes aren't wide enough.; and I always call him one. The funny thing is... he calls himself American. Getting a citizenship here and being an American are two different things in my view and this guy doesn't have a clue about it. Another useless recruiter who is so good at losing money gambling. Trust me. If he ever wrote an autobiography and named it "Top 10 ways to lose money gambling", he would've been a millionaire now. Not that he can write that well... you know what I mean... Insane guy loses half his pay cheque or check since we are in the US, gambling every month.

The five offices next to them are occupied by the sales department and don't even get me started on them. False promises stacked over false promises! I find their very sight repulsive. If they were able to get at least 1 customer per 100 phone calls, the company strength would've been doubled now. I think most of them just keep talking to their friends and family. Free lunch, free calls, free trips. Brain naturally dies you see. Useless fellows claiming that they have seen unicorns and angels.

This is Tom's cabin. As you would imagine with any boss's office, this one is naturally bigger than all the offices here with three glass walls. Only after meeting him I started believing in the idiom "Every dog has its day". Every Dilbert story I ever read is like his biography in parts and I get a feeling that being dumb is important to become a boss. There are times I feel intellectually insulted to work for such a guy; but then all bosses across the world are dumb and being a smart person, I can't become one. So there you go!

This is the most interesting part. The "Software Development" division filled with freaks who call themselves geeks. Look at their attitude and you'll know. No one here knows a thing about programming; but they yap about it for hours.

Do I know programming? No no. I hate sitting in front of a computer like an idiot and I think no smart person would do that. So I didn't want to be a programmer. But I know enough to know that these guys have zilch programming knowledge. I'd bet dimes to donuts that these guys don't have half of what it takes to be called geeks. And you know the funny part? We've like a hundred guys back in India who are so intellectually handicapped that these guys end up complaining about them.

I hate to make personal comments; but getting one of these idiots interview a prospective idiot is such a difficult task. They always claim to be busy and I always see them surfing the internet still having the air of "I'm a developer" pride around them. The funny looking guy out there in that greasy white shirt is the one who is supposed to handle the interview today. Just see what happens...

"Hi Praveen. How are you?"
"Am fine..."
"Can you do a screening for me today?"
"Today I'm quite busy. Can you get someone else do it?"
"No Praveen. Tom wants you to personally do this interview. It's an urgent requirement and it shouldn't take more than 30 minutes to screen."
"Well... I'll let you know by noon"

Let's walk back to my office as we talk. See... Didn't I tell you? Unbelievable arrogance. Until I say "Tom" he wouldn't even say anything close to a yes.

*Cell phone rings*

"Yeah this is Shreya..."
"Hey hi... I just spoke to the developers. Have you sent me the resume?"
"Oh... Ok! Let me know whenever you are ready."
"Thanks Bye..."

*hangs up*

"you idiot!"

It's at Mottayyan again. God knows who named him! Says he's got a doctor's appointment that he forgot and he'll not be able to attend the interview today. What a lame way of saying "I have another interview to attend"? I'm sure he'll call back tomorrow and I should go begging one more time.

Good God... Why wouldn't I hate this job when I work for a boss who knows nothing but being a boss, trying to find arrogant freaks with zilch programming knowledge who will end up giving the "I'm too busy" crap to me? I hate this job so much and the day I get out of this job will be the happiest day in my life and this office would really go bonkers when that happens.

*phone gargles again*

"Yes Tom"

One minute. My boss wants to boss over me for some time. Dilbert time. I'll be right back.

*Ten minutes later*

You know what? The a-hole fired me. Says I'm not doing much work and they can manage without me. And you know the worst part? People have complained that my attitude is not good. How untrue and unfair? He didn't even think about my family and kids. I've been so kind to others. Never said a word about anyone. I so loved my job, you know!

What are you laughing at? People have become so selfish, disrespectful and disloyal these days. I just can't put up with them. Why is everyone...

*Door slams shut... voice fades*