It's time for a renewal... :)

December 31... A day that has got the specialty that no other day (arguably) has - it is considered the moment we prepare ourselves for a renewal, a change, a new beginning... We make resolutions (that we most often break in the meantime ;)) and give serious thoughts about ourselves and what we expect out of the upcoming year. So this day definitely deserves a special note and when I just close my eyes and try to think what I expect from 2009, a few general and a lot of personal wishes haunted my mind and I'll try to summarize the wishes that I could share with everyone...

Peace:

Man has come far from this. But I at least wish the year has no terrorist attacks and that no human life is lost for the sake of establishing one's supremacy over the other.

A positive change in the Indian politics:

Elections are fast approaching... Let me hope that this year marks the beginning of the journey towards good; and let me pray and hope that the situation changes positively in my country.

Minimal hurt:

I wish I don't end up hurting anyone in anyway in 2009.

To be of help:

I hope I could be of help to as many as possible in any possible way - financial, emotional, personal and otherwise...

To focus more on my interests:

I hope I could spend some more time on my interests and shape up my skills for a better tomorrow.

To catch up with people:

I hope I can get back in touch with all the good souls I ever knew... Due to my inherent nature, I'm content with the feeling of someone being there for me; and at times, the other person might mistake this for indifference. Let me try to patch up these differences as much as I can.

To maintain a journal:

Writing a diary has always been my interest. But I never got into the habit... Perhaps I can do something about it this year...

Balance of work and personal life:

Of late, I'm improving on this one but let me hope I could bring in the clear demarcation this year...

Fitness and good health:

I'm no way close to a fitness freak and I still don't believe in looking at the calorie chart behind every food item. But in general, I feel I should bring my body to the right shape and I hope I could do something about it this year.

Enjoy my (possibly) last year of bachelorhood:

Even though there is absolutely nothing going on at this moment about my marriage, 2009 perhaps might be the last year of my life as a bachelor. 27 might be the magic number and if it is, then 2009 would be my last buddy! :D Whatever it is, why take chances? Let's enjoy 2009 and rock the place! :)

Wish you all a splendid New Year! :)

Traffic jam!

I'd been going around places over the past few days and too many things caught my attention, resulting in a complete traffic jam on my top floor. Let me try to throw some light on the top 3 topics so that it gets freed up a bit.

Poverty in US:

I'd once blogged about how old people run shops in Florida to win their bread and I've seen drunkards sitting by the roadside with some cardboard that says they need help/they are homeless, etc; but for the first time I saw a kind of poverty that really reminded me of Diwali times in India. Anyone who grew up in India, specifically in Tamilnadu would know how poor families struggle to put up smiling faces on the festive day. When some guys get crackers for about 10 grands, this poor father will be taking his son to the busiest street in the city/town with a few hundred bucks in his pocket and a few tons of heaviness in his heart; and he'll fake a smile and get him loads of cheap stuff that would create an illusion of excess to the kid. I saw the Americanized version of that poverty yesterday when I was renting a car. The African American guy had three daughters and he would be in his middle ages, perhaps 40 if my guess is right; and he had come over with his family for the holidays. He was trying hard to put up a smile but duplicate seals could be seen all over it. The girls were constantly complaining about something and he was telling the rental car agent about the nasty trip they had just to save some money. I was almost done with my paper work and just when I was about to start with the GPS that I had rented along with the car, he rested his glowing eyes on it and asked the agent "Is that a GPS?". The agent promptly tried to make business out of it and asked "Yes. Would you like to get one too?". With a dejected smile, yearning heart and a mind fighting to conceal his emotions, he said "No thanks! We know where we are going" in a shaky voice; and at that moment he almost caught me in tears.

Seven pounds:

After a really long time, a movie that I watched in a theater made me feel happy to have chosen it. Seven pounds is an amazingly simple, yet touching story that really creates an impact in us. Except for the never changing reaction of Will Smith, everything about the movie was awesome; and I'd say it's a must watch movie. The scenes where an old lady explains her sufferings to Will and the scenes where Will uncontrollably falls in love; were simply beautiful. A special mention has to be given to the cameraman who has done an excellent job in composing the shots. The irony is that me and my friend went to the night show around 10 PM and it was funny and interesting to see the restlessness in my friend when trying hard not to sleep :)

It's pay time:

2 months of vacation and almost 2 months of pay-lessness... At last I'm back into a job and I hope and pray this one goes well.

The lengthiest movie I ever watched

I started watching the movie "Aitraaz" (Hindi) sometime in the afternoon yesterday and as with the other movies I watched this week, the source was the DVD collection that I landed upon. But then, as with almost all the DVDs this one hung too; and I had no choice but to continue the movie online. Megavideo has a dvd print of this movie but it has also brought in a stupid rule that one can watch only 72 mins of video consecutively and after that you need to wait 1 full hour (!!!!) to continue watching the rest. So I thought I'd resort to a torrent, download the DVD and then continue... But after trying 7 pages of google results (trust me I tried almost every site) and spending like a few hours on this one, I was almost about to give up when one link said the movie is available online; and guess what? The links given were Youtube links!!!! The print too is pretty decent since the movie is not too new... So effectively, I watched the movie in so many installments over a period of about 12 hrs when I could've just streamed with Youtube. EKSI...

Mixed opinions!

Inspired by a couple of real life incidents (not in mine), I decided to write a story a couple of days back; and being a Sujatha fan who loved the "Amudham" story that he wrote for Kannathil Mutthamittal, I thought I should be writing such a short, one page story that has a comparatively similar writing style. This is what I came up with...

மூடிய கதவு

மறையத்தொடங்கிய ஆதவனின் பொன்னிறக்கதிர்கள் முயன்றும் நுழைய முடியா இருட்டறையில் இருண்ட நெஞ்சமொன்றும் இருப்பதன் அறிகுறியாய் ஓர் அழுகைக்குரல். மூடிய கதவும், இருள் சூழும் இருளும், முட்டித்தெறித்த கதறலும் அப்பாவையின் வலி உயிர் வரை ஆழ்ந்திருப்பதை உணர்த்தின. முப்பது வயது தாண்டியும், முடிகளில் சில வெள்ளிகள் முளைத்தும் மனைவியாகி முழுமை பெறாத முதிர்கன்னியின் மனச்சுமையை சமுதாயம் ஏனோ புறக்கணித்தே விடுகிறது. காதலித்தவனை காரணங்கண்டு பிரிய வைத்து, காரணத்தின் காரணமாகி, நம்பிக்கையை இழக்க வைத்து, ஆயிரம் பேர் சுற்றத்திலும் தனிமைச்சிறையில் அடைய வைத்து கை கொட்டிச்சிரிப்பதும் ஏனோ அதன் பண்பாடும் ஆகிப்போனது. ஆண் போல் இருப்பதாய், அழகிற்குறைவதாய் ஆயிரமாயிரம் காரணம் கேட்டு தன்னையே வெறுத்தவளின், வெறுப்பவளின் வேதனை பொங்கும் வாழ்கையை வார்த்தைகளால் விவரித்து விட முடியாது.

இருளும் இன்னலும் மட்டுமே நிறைந்த அத்தருணத்தை இரவிற்பூத்த மின்னல் கொடியாய்க்கலைத்தது சிணுங்கிய அவள் கைத்தொலைபேசி. கண்ணீர்த்துளி வழியே அழைப்பவன் பெயர் மங்கித்தெரிய மனதை இறுக்கி மூடி வாய் திறந்தாள். இதயத்தரையில் இருந்து அவன் மேல் ஈர்ப்பிருந்தும் இன்முகம் காட்ட ஏனோ இயலவில்லை அவளுக்கு. பயம் - தன்னையே நம்ப மறுக்கும், வாழ்க்கையில் தடுமாறித்தோற்ற, தனிமைப்பட்ட, தனித்து விடப்பட்ட ஒரு தாரகைக்கே உண்டான பயம். பல முறை உடைக்கப்பட்டு ஒட்டப்பெற்ற நெஞ்சம், மற்றுமோர் விரிசல் தாங்காதெனும் கலவரம். தனித்தும் தோற்க்கக்கூடாதெனும் அவள் வைராக்கியம் ஏனோ சில நிமிடங்கள் கூட நிலைக்கவில்லை. அன்பை வார்த்தைகளாக்கி, அரவணைப்பை வாக்கியங்களாக்கி, தாய்ப்பாலின் நேர்மையுடன் "எனை மணந்து கொள்வாயா?" என ஏக்கமாய்க்கேட்ட அவன் குரல் திறந்தது மூடிய அவள் அறைக்கதவை மட்டுமல்ல, மூடப்பட்ட அவள் மனக்கதவையும் தான்.

As my own critic, I actually liked this story a lot especially considering the target I had in my mind. I thought I played with the right words to create the impact in the reader; and I forwarded this to a few of my friends for review and comments. To my surprise, this one got the credit that none of my previous works got - the opinion was greatly mixed up ranging from "I got goose pimples reading the last few lines... Awesome would be an understatement" to "Is this what you call a story? It's just a maze of complex, round about words". I was seriously baffled by the variations in taste and somehow I found it hard to digest such a level of diversity within a very small sample that I chose.

Some amount of thought behind the comments just made me realize one undeniable fact - "Tamizhini mellacchaagum". Almost all of the recepients of this story are Tamizhians - born and brought-up in Tamilnadu. But still, almost 85-90% of them were not able to follow the content fully; because their Tamizh was not up to the mark. I don't blame the readers and I completely understand how infrequently we use written Tamizh these days. But even after I understand the reason behind it, it's hard to believe that the number of people who can fluently read and write good Tamizh (need not be the puranaanooru style Tamizh... just a proper Tamizh prose) is reducing drastically. In the next generations, this is even sparse considering the ratio of parents who put their kids into French and Hindi classes right from elementary school. I don't know if the so-called Tamizh protectors have something to do about this!!

The second part of it is the Tamizh that we cultivate. I'm not against the Pudhu kavidhai form of Tamizh poems and I do agree that the reader should understand what the poet is trying to say. But ever since the emergence of Pudhu Kavidhai in which only the concept matters, prose has become poetry and corrupted Tamizh has become prose. In other words, if I write one proper sentence in Tamizh and break it into three lines, it is considered a poetry these days. No wonder many of them told me "This is so poetic for a short story". If that is the case with poetry, prose has worsened into absolute colloquial language which is much simpler to understand but almost completely different from the actual Tamizh. Take any Tamizh magazines... the stories published would be of this sort... characters speak slang and the rest of the sentences are made too simple. Unfortunately, this has made readers shun away from well written Tamizh and when there is a story written using some expressive words, it becomes legacy, untouched and taboo. In one simple sentence, readers don't expect anything more than spoken Tamizh in the written form. Taking my own work as an example, I'm sure it isn't 'bad' but I did get comments that called it complete pointless crap and that understanding this level of Tamizh is an overhead to the reader. I'm not a Kalki or Kambar or Bharathi to use the mightiest and the most perfect Tamizh word to be used in a context; but even with my level of Tamizh (the last time I actually studied Tamizh was in my seventh grade), people say it's too much for the reader to take. Will this situation change for the better? GOK!

P.S: I feel it's hightime to start my Tamizh blog and I believe I'd be starting it pretty soon... :)

EKSI

People who are from Tamilnadu and chat/Orkut quite often would definitely know the expansion of EKSI - "Enna Koduma Saravanan Idhu?" ("What a cruelty this is" to translate literally :D :D), a dialogue that became so popular after the movie Chandramukhi and I'm sure even the director of the movie wouldn't have known that this dialogue would be such a massive hit when he actually directed the scene! The usage context of this phrase is well demonstrated by the video below :))



You know why I wanted to say EKSI? As I mentioned in my previous post, I'm working on finishing off all the hindi movies in the dvd collection that I discovered (?!) and in the past two days I've watched about 6 movies. But to my surprise, almost every DVD stuck in between or at the end and I had to go online to watch the remaining movie. Trust me even Pardes didn't run fully... Even if I watch the full movie online, I've always got crystal clear prints and uninterrupted streaming for free, especially if the movie is a bit old like the ones I saw yesterday and today. So technically, the guy who spent quite a lot of money in collecting these DVDs couldn't watch the movie one more time (assuming he watched them at least once in that DVD)! EKSI...

Subtitles...

I've been in the company guest house over a month now and only yesterday did I find that someone has left a collection of about 50 Hindi DVDs... Readily available DVDs mean lesser search time, need not worry about the quality of print online (I know Vinayak would be furious to hear this ;) :)), limited options to choose from and quick turn around times :D :D

Fortunately, I'm not a big Hindi movie freak and I'm one of those doubly-refined Madurai products, who never learned Hindi, never had too many Hindi speaking friends and who hardly sees any Hindi movies. These days, I've started watching Hindi movies in equal numbers; but my yet-to-be-seen list includes some of the most famous movies like Hum Aap Ki Hein Kaun; and as a result, out of the 50+ DVDs, there aren't too many previously watched movies. Actually, the week started with latest Hindi movies like Das Vidhaniya, Dostana and A Wednesday; and with this new DVD pack, I believe the 'Zee TV Vaaram' would continue for the next few weeks.

The best part about the whole thing are the subtitles. Given my ghindhi prowess, I always turn on subtitles just so I don't get lost when the characters start using uncommon words to make us believe that they are emotionally affected. Some of these subtitles really get me ROTFL. An example that hit my eyes from "Chori Chori Chupke Chupke" that I watched today...

(In the interest of people who know Hindi, I'll present the conversations in English :D)
Rani Muk: You can think of me as your sister. I'll tell my family about the whole thing and you can stay here.
Preethi: I'm happy to get a sister. But I don't want to share my sister's husband and make my sister feel bad. (Exact words used Behen and Soutan)

Subtitle: I don't want to be your co-wife :D :D

The complex way! :)

Usually, I don't prefer putting up something in Tamizh here; just to respect the non-Tamil people who read my blog (assuming there are a few :D) But this time, I couldn't resist. To give a bit of background, it snowed for the first time in my place a couple of days back; and though I've been in the US for about a couple of years now, I lived in the Southern states and this was the first time I saw snow... So I felt like writing an ode to welcome the snow and initially, I wrote a 'Venbaa' (a classical Tamizh poetry that follows certain norms) to serve that purpose.

ஈராண்டுகள் கழிந்தும் காணக்கிடைக்கா பொக்கிஷமே
நீராலுடல் பூண்ட தேவதையே -- வெண்பனியே
கௌரத்தின் இலக்கணமே இமந்தாங்கும் சீதளமே
மௌனத்தின் வடிவேயென் வந்தனங்கள்!

வெள்ளைப்போர்வையதில் வடக்கே வெப்பம் விழிசாய்க்க
கொள்ளைச்சூரியக்கதிர்களில் நானும் கூதற்காய - தெற்கே
காணாத உனை நான் தேடினும்
மாளாத குளிரிலாததால் மகிழ்ந்தேன்.

குலையாத அழகு நீ வெள்ளையோவியம் நீ
குலையவைக்குங்குளிரும் மந்தமும் நீ - இறைவனின்
ஆக்கத்திலென்றும் விருப்பும் வெறுப்பும் சமபங்கோ
தாக்குங்குளிரும் பாவையுன் வழியுரைப்பதுமதுதானோ?

The crux of the poem (?!) is to welcome the snow and wonder about the mix up of good and bad in everything in this world. Snow for one, is so beautiful but people who live in snowy areas in winter will tell you horror stories about it! This version uses words that are bit complex and to play by the rules is always a bit harder. But to my surprise, almost nobody appreciated it and all I heard from a few of my friends who read this was that it was good but they hardly got anything!! :D

Since the audience included some of my very close friends too, I decided to reword this into the norm-free 'pudhu kavidhai' style... Personally, I always feel that it doesn't take too much of a poetic inner-flow to come up with these ones, because most often I find that a sentence (urai nadai or prose form) is just written in three or four lines by people and they call it a poem as there are no limitations or restrictions in the free-flow form. You can write anything virtually and call it a pudhu kavidhai... I do scribble something of this category when I attempt something simplistic but I always try to make it sound like a poem than a piece of prose. But again, it looks like that's the version most people understand; and I heard quite a few people say it's too good! :))

தூய்மையின் இலக்கணமே தூய வெண்பனித்துளியே
சில்லிடும் சித்திரமே சிலிர்க்கும் நீரோவியமே
மௌனமாய் பொழிபவளே மென்மையின் மறுபெயரே
ஆண்டிரண்டு காக்கவைத்து அரவணைத்த அதிசயமே

உன்னிடத்தில் நானும் என்னிடத்தில் நீயும்
உணர்வில் குளிர்ச்சி உடம்பிலோ குளிர்
நீயிருக்கும் இடமறிந்தும் மெய்வருடும் நொடியறிந்தும்
உனை நாட மனமில்லை நடுங்குமெனுடலுக்கு

வெள்ளிச்சிதறலே வெப்பமறுத்துக்கொல்பவளே
மனதிற்கினியவளே மந்தம் புகுப்பவளே
மாயக்கண்ணனவன் மனதிலென்ன கொண்டானோ
மதுரமும் விஷமும் எதிலும் உண்டென்றானோ?

In the end, the moral is that people always prefer simple way of expression and no matter how much effort goes behind the perfect, complex version; it's not going to work out unless people understand it! :)

P.S: Simplicity somehow always wins over perfection... :D :D

Appearances are deceptive!

Wednesday, Dec 3rd 2008 5:30 PM

I was in a milk white Pontiac V8 on the way to New Jersey, for an interview. The stallion was too good with a lot of 'oomph' in it; but I was in no mood to use it! After all, I didn't want to end up getting a ticket for 400$ at this pay-less (disambiguation: pay as in salary ;)) hour and consequentially increase my insurance premium. Like a hero in the mid 80s-90s movies, who lives a real slutty life in the first half, deciding to play the game right after the interval; I told myself "Had this been sometime last year, I would've reached NJ in 3 hrs". On top of it, I really forgot that the entire DC metro area buzzes with cars around this time and the drive to I95 was really testing my patience. On top of this, one of the toll plazas had no assistant in a full service lane and I was forced to violate toll because I had no nickels with me!! Not sure if I'd be fined for that... GOK! After spending over 5 hrs and 20$ for toll, I reached the hotel at NJ about 11:30 PM; and the only good thing about the whole trip was that I found a couple of good repeat rap tracks by T.I(Videos below)and these songs just rocked specially because of the Woofers in the car.


(Loved the lady voice in the song and the chorus)


(Liked the Samuel L Jackson part... I'd would've repeated the Wazzup MF portion of this at least 20 times :D)

If you are confused at this point about the title and its relevance to this post, you got it right... I'm not into the topic yet though I know that Srini could find out some relevance given the content so far! JFF ;) :)

Thursday, December 4 2008 12:10 PM

I was driving through the deserted area to find the place I was supposed to go to and finally ended up finding a real huge building hidden into the woods as depicted in some horror movies. I usually hate wearing typical formals like blue and blue or cream and brown; but since the instructions clearly said Business Formals and that I didn't want my dress to add to the resume misfit I had; I was in a light blue shirt and a dark blue pant, wondering why on earth would people want the candidates to be dressed in monotonous colors. But the moment I entered the lobby of the research lab, I saw about twenty people seated all across the visitors area; and I was the only one without a blazer and I would bet my fortune on my assumption that I was the youngest person there! Chinese and Indians dominated the place reminding me that I was in US and everyone had a huge executive bag with them from which they were picking up some papers every now and then, cross verifying it as if they were some SOP or recommendation letters! I had a bag with me too, but it had a couple of packs of cereal bars since the email said 'Feel free to bring your food and beverages'. "Perhaps there was some other point about certificates too" I thought to myself, realizing that it was too late to even worry about anything.

After 15-20 mins of wait, the test paper was given and we were supposed to complete the test by an hour and fifteen minutes. I wasn't prepared at all and it wasn't hard to find it out when attending the test. Java was the only comfort zone for me and the rest were like completely alien nations though I wouldn't call them the toughest of questions! In the end, we all were seated back in the visitor's area and I was almost sure that I'd be out! To my surprise, I was still in though more than 50% of the candidates were out after the test. There were quite a few chosen for the first round of interview and yet again, I was surrounded middle aged folks wearing shining blazers and brimming with confidence, thinning my hopes every time I saw them. After the first round of interview, almost all the 'probables' I had in my mind were out of the picture. "We aren't that bad" I thought to myself and I eventually ended up being one of the last 4. The results weren't clearly announced that day and right now it's a completely unclear picture; but at least I have hopes left on contrary to my first couple of hours at the interview venue. :)

World Aids Day - Let's spread the awareness

Thanks to the media, the education system and the efforts put forth by various non-profit organizations, AIDS is not an unknown term anymore; and almost 80-90% of the population, I believe, is aware of the deadly disease and its implications. But a recent news that I came to know, dumbfounded me. "More than 250,000 are estimated to be HIV positive and not know it" says a survey and the primary reason stated for this is the failure to undergo HIV tests.

Further, even people who are completely aware of AIDS are not in a position to think when they are 'high' and drug abuse leading to the usage of unhygienic needles or unprotected sex is considered to be the greatest channel for this dangerous disease. The worst part or rather the nightmare is that if these people who are ignorant about HIV in their blood, get married to someone else and give birth to a child; then it triples the number of AIDS patients in a short span. From an Indian's perspective, I feel that medical reports should be examined as carefully as the horoscopes during a marriage and that would be of great help in identifying these ignorant folks and prevent the dissemination of the disease - two birds in one shot. Let's all unite to make the world HIV free.

Mood and movies...

2002...
First day matinee show for a Manirathnam movie music directed by ARR... An entire group from my college... It wouldn't be an exaggeration if I say we were the only ones in the balcony of Ambika theater in Madurai. Such a huge gang, packed cinema hall and brimming expectations... Whistles, problems with the theater guards, booing, scolding the poor operator and everything typical of a first day show at Madurai was on, even before the movie started; not to mention the 'We will rock you' beats that our guys generated with alternate taps of their legs followed by a clap... It'd be an understatement if I say we were in the mood to watch a movie... We were actually ecstatically waiting for entertainment. But all the excitement was gone, 20 minutes after the movie started. "Oh my God! We should've planned something else" was the response among most of us and that included me too. Quite naturally, the movie had a very poor response - a commercial flop and an award kid. I believe that everyone who has some idea about Tamil cinema would've guessed that the movie was 'Kannatthil Mutthamittal' starring Madhavan, Simran, Keerthana, Nandita Das, Prakashraj, Pasupathi and others.

Today, I saw the movie again in solitude... This time in a completely different mindset, fully prepared for a deep impact movie. At the end of the movie, Morgan Freeman's words from 'The Shawshank Redemption' echoed in my ears... "A young stupid kid who committed the terrible crime... I want to talk to him... Tell him the way things are!" I still couldn't believe I said this movie wasn't good enough! Nobody would've written a review for a movie released 6 years ago; but if I don't express what I feel now, I'm not sure if I'd be able to sleep peacefully tonight! More than anything else, the movie stressed one important point that is repeated in Management classes - "Pick the right man for the right job and your work would turn out excellently". Sujatha - Manirathnam - ARR - Vairamuthu - Ravi. K. Chandran... Needless to say that the movie will turn out good. The best of the best, I'd say, was Sujatha... Tamil cinema will miss you sir! "...aval vayittril ulagai sandhikka avasarappadum oru kuzhandhai" (she carries a kid that is in a hurry to see this world), "Kannatthai kanneer nanaikka, maarbai thaai paal nanaikka, pirandha udanae kuzhandhayai thurandhu, marandhu, pirindhu pao yenum kodumayai endha kaalakattatthilum gnyaayappaduttha mudiyaadhu" (With tear soaked cheeks and milk soaked breasts, the mother was forced to desert, forget and isolate her new born kid; and this atrocity cannot be justified under any circumstances), "eppaommaa sanda mudiyum (followed by a grave silence)" (when will the war end?") and all the grown ups there stand still unable to answer a kid's question; "ammaa vaammaa namma madras kku paoiralaam... Anga sanda illa... army illa... namma rendu paerum okkaandhu TV paakkalaam... cinema paakkalaam" (Come mother... Let's go to Chennai... There is no war and no army there. We can sit together and watch TV or a movie)... The paradox in the last dialog left me thinking about this genius... How many things has he covered in one shot... It was so typical of a 9 year old kid, it says how TN and Srilanka are worlds different in living standards when they are separated by less than 100 kms, it also says the ignorance and carelessness of a fellow human being towards the other. I was almost caught in tears partly because of the scene and mainly because of the brilliance of the writer. There are just so many dialogs crafted so artistically all through the movie and if I go on at this rate, I'd end up giving the transcript! :D The next place goes to the camera! The range of lenses, the way a shot is quickly converted from a tele to a wide angle, constant movements instead of conventional still frames, the bokeh in a lot of scenes... It was simply mind blowing. ARR deserves the special credit for Vellai pookkal song that soothes our hearts in every pressingly emotional scene, telling us the solution to all these problems. Mani... needless to say! I started watching the movie only as a critic and a learner; but the minor mistakes I found here and there were nothing when compared to the masterpiece he has delivered.

All in all, I feel sorry to have misjudged such a wonderful movie, the first time I saw it! Hats off to the team!!! At the same time, I understand the elements that need to be a part of the movie to make it watchable under all circumstances and moods. I'm not dumb enough to ask for Vadivelu comedy in this movie; but some wit throughout the movie would've helped and in fact that character could be used as a strong junction of myth and reality; as it was handled in 'Life is beautiful'. When the movie is too slow, too firm on its objective and too orthodox in its approach; only people who have the real time, patience and passion for such kind of movies enjoy it and the commoner misses the fun and the point. A lesson learned from someone's failure, often termed as history! :)

Even the great commit mistakes...

A long time since I made consecutive posts in a day... And perhaps this is the first time I'm posting two consecutive posts on diametrically opposite topics.

I was seeing Mouna Ragam earlier today... It's one of my favorite scripts and I couldn't recollect the entire movie sequence. This is not the news! Hold on... I've seen the movie a lot of times before and I don't remember when was the last time I saw the movie in full. Today, I wanted to see how Manirathnam has done his work in a movie that was directed during the early stages of his career. To my surprise, there were quite a few flaws throughout the movie. There were a lot of minor ones like lighting difference in a sequence and costumes; but what caught my eyes were two major ones - some scenes were out of sequence in the Mandram vandha thendralukkuu song and Revathy/Mohan pair walks out in the streets of Delhi; and at a later stage Revathi says they've never been out together. The worst mistake of the lot is the climax scene... Revathi would sit in a compartment that is in the middle of the train and when they get down, they will be in the last but one compartment. When they get down, an engine will be behind the train in the same track. And worst of all when the train moves off, the frame is narrowed to avoid showing that it's a goods train. But a shutter on one of the compartments gives it off... :D

All in all, I learned one good lesson... Even the legends today did make mistakes in their first few steps; and when constant efforts are put forth, perfection can be achieved. That's quite encouraging to me! :))

Mumbai attacks - time to wage a war?

First of all, my heart felt condolences for those who were killed or injured during the inhuman attacks carried out at Bombay.

Everyone who has been following Indian affairs for a while would be aware that terrorists trying to instill fear in Indians is nothing new and that these attempts have never been successful. But this time, the attacks have taken unusual dimensions including firing on the streets, setting hotels/luxury spots ablaze; and every act of terror that people would've seen only in action movies. Quite naturally, this has given way to a lot of discussions; and I felt that this topic deserved a second post.

I felt a bit annoyed to see this post in one of the blogs that I landed upon. I completely agree that the situation is grave and anyone who was on the venue of the demonic activity, would be upset to the core. But is leaving the country a solution? Isn't that called escapism? Our country is like our body... Just because some virus attacks it, we don't shed it or run away from it. If finance is your problem and you are really finding it hard to make some good money at home, you may explore the possibilities outside and plan to come back at a later point. But giving reasons like 'life if too busy' in my opinion is BS. If that's the case, one can always opt to settle down in a second tier city where life is peaceful and they get the space and style of life they need. When we fight for abstract things like community, language, religion, etc why don't we fight to eliminate the pressing problem of the locality? Running away from problems is never a solution! I hope and pray these people understand that...

Next is the attempt to attribute these attacks to 'Hindu terrorists'!! I was tempted to write a post on that one, but this post saved my time and words. Hats off to the author.

The last and the most important part that I wanted to talk about was about the motive of the attacks. As I said in the beginning of this post, this attack is completely different from what India has seen before. This could mean one of the two things...

1. The Indian Intelligence, Police, Government and all single security enforcement official are really, really dumb.

2. The scary alternative - the Government/intelligence planned it.

I'm pretty inclined towards taking up the second option as the more acceptable version because I don't believe that Indian security has become so bad that terrorists holding ultramodern rifles can wander on the streets as if they are in some Cuban Naxelite camp. Before you say WTF you mean the government planned it, let me explain why I feel so.

I believe that the strongly convincing videos in Youtube about the involvement of FBI/CIA/US Govt on the 9/11 attack would've got your attention. In case you are completely unfamiliar about this, please visit this site. I'm not dumb enough to say that India did this because US did that; but I had some points in my mind that got me into this suspicion and it's up to you to decide if that's worth considering or sheer crap!

1. The operation on the whole is highly sophisticated. We have never seen such an orchestrated terrorist attack involving ultramodern weapons in the history of Indian crimes.

2. Everyone seems to be surprised including the Intelligence. The incidents that happened before were carried out on a large scale with trivial hand made grenades; which sounds practical. But AK 47 in public and the intelligence being clueless?

3. India's recent stance with the US. I'm not sure if our intelligent Congress men are borrowing some wicked ideas from the US.

4. In the current state of affairs, congress has absolutely no scope to win the upcoming elections and a war on Pakistan could be a life line for them.

5. The opposition parties have not made any great issues out of this incident. Perhaps BJP doesn't want to stop a war against Pakistan?

6. Pakistan expresses its condolence as if this is the first terrorist attack on India.

7. Police cars being a part of the gun fire. Where did the terrorists get the chance to seize a Police car? They just ran out with their guns, shot a senior official and took the jeep?

8. The particular interest shown on the foreign nationals staying in the luxury hotels and the way it is projected as a matter of importance to the US and the UK too!

9. The ATS head who was shot, as reported by media was not targeted; but he was caught in some random firing! An expert not knowing how to hide from bullets?

10. The news was the cover story today in almost all leading news channels in the US; and at least to my knowledge they don't give so much importance to news completely unrelated to the US. And on top of it, US extends its 'Support' to all decisions taken by India.

I could go on stating my suspicions but I don't know how true these could be or even if I'm putting up a sane argument. But this is what I strongly feel at the heart of my hearts. Iff (mathematical notation) this is true, I feel it's a really bad political stunt from the Indian government. After all, we've been having problems for a quite long time; but we were always in a position to say 'Meraa Bharath Mahaan' with pride and complete spirits. Let's settle our issues between us and our enemy; and let us not allow the hypocrisy of the west to enter our veins. Jai Hind!

Mumbai blasts - Shame on the Government

Statement 1: India is the 3rd most popular foreign investment zone in the world.
Statement 2: On 26th November, a bunch of goons opened fire at public and pulled off granades. They showed particular interest in the cozy areas of Mumbai and their special interest was in threatening foreigners.
Statement 3: The Govt of Maharashtra and the Govt of India are on red alert about attacks on major cities

Logical inference: There has been a plot to spoil India's reputation; and the non-functional state and central Governments have let innocent public and foreigners suffer because of their ignorance and inefficiency. Hail Congress!

The part that disturbs me the most in such attacks is the victimisation of public. After all, what does a commoner has to do with political issues and why should s/he punished for no fault? At least in the future, let these dirty political games be played on a humanitarian basis.

My OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder)

Another 'About Me' post! This time it's about my OCD. It's not bad enough for you to say "Hey! Dont orry ya why are you cryiing?" in Vadivelu style or to visualize Jack Nicholson in "As Good as it gets". Perhaps it might be an exaggeration to even call it OCD, but nevertheless, this quality of mine is defintely worth mentioning.





I should say I have this tendency to get 'institutionalized' quite easily. From my food orders in restaurants till the wash basin I choose to wash my face in a restroom, there is always some level of predictability and pattern. The best of the lot is my choice of songs... If I land up in a song that is personally special to me, I keep repeating it in an infinite loop until I feel sleepy or the system heats up drastically! :) The latest in the list is "Uravugal thodarkadhai" from the movie "Aval appaditthaan" and interestingly I was lured to this all time favorite when I saw Vaaranam Aayiram... The film opens with this song and ever since then it has been repeated in my playlist and I believe that the count should've easily crossed 100 now. Same holds good with my fav movies too. Mozhi or Troy are the classic examples and I could narrate almost all dialogs in both these movies by-heart! :D I don't even complain about taking the same food everyday as long as I personally like the dish... Curd rice and pickles could do just fine with me for infinite days in a row! :) The final part and the weirdest of the lot is that I can stay alone in a 10X10 room all by myself without any human company... :) Food on time, a window to speculate and get lost in thoughts, a computer to browse the net and basic necessities... That's it. I'm all set!



I leave it upto you guys to call it OCD or not... But it's quite weird of me, don't you agree? :)

Vaarnam aayiram review and Abhiyum Naanum expectations...

Before you say, "Oh No! Not a movie review again...", let me tell you this... I'm not going to write a detailed review on Vaaranam Aayiram. I just wanted to tell a few things I felt when I was watching the movie. This one is definitely different from GVM's other movies... This one is more his life than a cinema. Everyone who loves his/her dad as a role model would understand the extent of emotions that would've gone behind making the movie; but if you want me to be the usual stern critic, I should accept that the movie has quite a few unwanted scenes and even the title Vaaranam Aayiram is a reflection of Gautam's fantasy of his dad's heroism. All in all, it was an emotional experience than a movie and as usual GVM has shown his trademark in the narration of love. Whether it is the scene where Surya massages Simran's legs after a short dance or the scene where Surya proposes to Sameera ("Naan idhu varaikkum ippidi nadandhukittadhilla... Yenakku ivlo guts irukkunnae yenakku ippao dhaan teriyum") or the initial sarcastic turndowns by Sameera ("Paiyyan enna padicchurukkaan nu kaeppaaru... Enga vaela paakkuraan nu kaeppaaru"); GVM has proven that he is an excellent story teller when it comes to romance. In the same way, he's also succeeded in showing the bonding between a role model dad and his son... But perhaps he got too involved personally, there were a lot of scenes in the movie which could've been avoided... For instance the whole Armed Forces sequence reflects GVM's personal ambition but it need not have been portrayed on the screen so vividly. Most of the army and the rescue scenes were diverting people from the story. And cinematic exaggerations were also a bit too much in the movie... Dad apologizing for using son's room, Surya going to US when there family just recovered from its economic crisis... A bit too much to take... Logical flaws, quite unusual of GVM, were also spotted here and there in the movie. Surya's sister's classmate is 2 yrs younger than him (which essentially means his sister too is) but in the beginning it is shown that Surya was a 6-7 yr old boy when his sis was born. In the same way, someone who is addicted too much to narcotics and struggling to recover, runs, fights, kills and what not! But beyond all these drawbacks, I'd definitely say it's worth a watch, especially if your dad is so special to you. It's more or less like Autograph... Some people got so involved and were flooding the theater with their tears. Some people (like me) were making fun of those who got too involved; though we enjoyed the movie. This one's pretty much like that but it's definitely worth seeing atleast once.

Coming to the next movie, Abhiyum naanum; I was seriously disappointed when I heard the audio track. Not a single song was too appealing as opposed to Mozhi where the songs were not just lovely but also had a very strong orientation to the theme... "Sollai kadandha pennin mouna koottukkul pala kodi kodi porul kudi irukkum", "Iyarkaiyin mozhigal purindhu vidil manidharin mozhigal thaevaiyillai... idhayatthin mozhigal purindhu vidil manidharkku mozhiyae thaevaiyillai", "Mounam ondrum oonam alla alla... Vaarthayellaam muzhumai alla alla", "Paesaa madandhayae vizhi paesum chitthiramae...", "Kannaal paesum pennae"... Every song in the movie portrayed a physically handicapped girl so respectfully and beautifully; and the trailer, the advertisements, the banners, the captions... Everything was picture perfect and even before I went to the movie a strange sense of 'falling in love' occupied my heart. Needless to say the movie is one of my all time favorites. But with the music track disappointing so badly, I wasn't too sure if Abhiyum Naanum would have the 'Radha Mohan spell'. But looking at the trailer and the press meet where Prakash raj, Radha Mohan (my personal favorites) and specifically Thalaivasal Vijay spoke about the film, I believe the movie would definitely be a treat to watch. Giving a master piece is delighting when everyone talks great about it; but it's a pain when we come up with our next efforts. I'm sure Radha Mohan would've realized it; and I hope and pray that the movie turns out to be the sensation of 2008-2009.

The end of IT era?

Following the trough in the US economy, the much sought after IT sector faced/faces a great blow in India. Many companies stopped promotions, started indirect firing, reduced the pay to benchers and indicated their economic vulnerability in a lot of ways; and this brought a few interesting questions to my mind. How stable is the IT industry? If $ falls tomorrow (after all they are all paper bills and carry no real significance), will the IT industry still survive? What will happen to the 'elite-society' of today?

Honestly, I feel if $ falls, it's surely going to take down IT with it. We all know there are projects outside US... Indian market itself is worth billions of dollars and all that crap. But US plays a very significant role in keeping the industry alive for two reasons - 1. As with any other commodities, they are THE consumers of IT services. There are other consumers too but relying on them for minting money isn't going to work because their volume of consumption put together, is not even 1/10th of US and 2. The profit margin is not going to be as high. The exchange rates might be better than USD but considering the volume of operations, it is going to yield only insignificant profits. Perhaps reason 2 is a derivative from reason 1. The industry will not obviously vanish; but maintaining the lion's share is out of question.

The worst nightmare for the Indian government would be the day this happens. Imagine thousands and thousands of educated jobless youngsters in the society. Perhaps 10% of them might be smart enough to switch fields or start their own business or do something that works to survive. But what about the rest? It reminds me of my high school days when I used to write civics exams where the most common question would be "What are the economic problems of India" and point #1 would be population and point #2 would be unemployment. We never gave upon #1 but #2 might take a new dimension if IT goes for a toss.

Pudhiya thatthuvam 100020: Kannaa vaazhkai oru vattam maadhiri... Innnaikki maela irukkuravan naalaikki keela iruppaan... Innaikki keela irukkuravan naalaikki maela iruppaan! :D

It's time to see the moon! :)

Every patriotic Indian would be extremely happy today as India's mission to reach the moon is a success and the tricolor flag now adorns the moon. It is a moment of pride to the Indian scientists and quite obviously another feather in the cap to the subcontinent.

Without a greatly organized Government, without the state-of-the-art infrastructure, without getting much help from other countries, India has crossed this milestone which in my view is a remarkable achievement. Let the success story continue and let the 'developing' crap come to an end bringing us to the dawn we have been expecting for years together. Jai Hind!

Economics

For a change, I'm not going to write a lot today. I saw this interesting video on world economics... I'd reserve my opinion for now and let you enjoy the speech...

What am I?

The good news is that there isn't much of philosophy about this post though the title tries to threaten you with a question on the word 'I'. In a week of joblessness or perhaps I should call it 'salarylessness', I've been more into movies than anything else. I got to watch some of the best movies I always wanted to watch and some other excellent movies that I accidentally landed upon. One of them has left me thinking for the past couple of days and even though I'm a movie freak and I keep recollecting good scenes (sometimes even have the dialogues by-heart); I never really 'think' after a movie especially if it is not a movie about facts, history or philosophy.

The movie's name is Rounders, more about the game of poker and how it is important to play the player than the cards. There are a lot of interesting scenes in the movie but one of them created an impact so to speak, in me. The crux of the scene is 'We can't run away from what we are. Our destiny chooses us'. Isn't that true?



Now with all the due respect for the authors, I've heard this "You can do it", "Nothing is impossible", "Follow your dreams", "Spot your talent" and all the BS being written to sell a big, fat book to you that doesn't change you a bit except lightening your wallet. But this time, the sentence was different. I mean, after all the rational analysis and logic, one could easily observe that everyone is naturally good at just one thing. Just one thing above everything else... It just happens beyond one's control and there is something with everyone that s/he does better than the (most) others. The fact is no matter how hard we work on things that we are reasonably pretty good at, it's not going to take us to heights. If there is something that could really take us to great heights, it is the purpose of our creation, the best part in us and what destiny chose us for. How many of us (including me) dare pursue it, is the question...

Ain't I different? :)

Every organism in this universe has its individuality, an identity, a characteristic and a trial to visualize the degree of uniqueness in this universe might be mind blowing. If you started saying "Oh no... Not philosophy again...", I got you! :) This is not about philosophy, nothing about the society, not even about movies... This is about something that I don't talk about quite often - me!

I usually hate talking about me partly because there isn't much to talk in the context and partly because expressing yourself completely in words is something beyond the imaginable. However today I couldn't resist talking about me for one reason - the way I've been spending my last week.

Virginia is a new place for me and fall here is as beautiful as any other north eastern state in the US. I've been here for almost a week now and the interesting part is it once again proved how much I love solitude... I joined a company last Monday and ever since then, I haven't even stepped out of my apartment... When I say stepped out, I literally mean it - not even cross the door steps. I've got a pretty comfortable room here with a broad window and it's kind of the master bedroom for this house and that makes it unnecessary for me to step out of the room except to cook and eat; and I just get out of my room when I cook and eat! I'd been clicking a few beautiful views but all of them are taken without leaving my room. My camera just peeks out of the window and that's all about it. There's a guy here who is supposed to be a care taker for this guest house and he works in the Virginia branch... Must be HR I don't even know what he is... He leaves at 9 and comes back at 8; and the last time I saw him was on Monday! I haven't called anyone in the whole week though I had received quite a few calls...

It's been just internet, internet and more internet... And the best part is... I love this! :) If someone asks the other guy, he might even say I need medical attention. :)) But again, this is what I am and this is what I love to be. Every organism in this universe has its individuality, an identity, a characteristic and a trial to visualize the degree of uniqueness in this universe might be mind blowing. Isn't it?

100 :)

Whether it's cricket or blog posts, hitting century is always an enjoyable experience. That way, I'm really excited to post the 100th entry in my blog; and though it took a bit longer than I expected, it still has been a good journey.

A few years back perhaps in 2004-2005, I used to question the purpose of blogging. I mean who would write down something and post it on the internet just so that someone might come and read it; and more than that why would someone want to let out his thoughts in an open channel with no benefits? Even today I have no answer to these questions but I've been doing that for almost a year now. In a way blogs, journals and diaries are like silent companions... They accept whatever you say and don't speak back to you. To counteract the silence, our mind starts speaking on their behalf. It has been an interesting experience so far and just when the artificial pace of life kept me from being as close to my friends as I used to be; this blog came in as an outlet through which I express the world I see, without any thoughts about the person who is listening to it, without any customizations, without any specifications. A free flowing waterfall that doesn't care about the objects it might hit; and all it knows is the course to the ocean. I really enjoy being so... :)

Where do u belong?

News news news! I'm back to philosophy... :) But I'll try to keep the dose minimal...

Recently I got a weird thought about the sense of 'belonging'. If you ask someone where s/he belongs, the usual response would be the place where they currently live in or the place where they have been living for the most part of their life. I have always believed that the place where I was born and brought up is where I belong to and in a way I'm one of the those who boast of their home towns... :) But my recent vacation to India (perhaps because I had a lot of time to think :D) did bring in a question into me... "Where do I belong?"

This might kind of sound stupid but I still feel it's an absolutely valid question. Let me give a brief background before I dwell deep into the hypothesis... About 5 years back when I was doing my final year of engineering at college (of course in my home town), the city seemed to be mine... I was so filled with the place and everything around me indicated that I belonged to that place right from my bikes' number plate to my address and the people around me. When I went home this time, I was really enjoying my time there... I mean spending time with parents and sis, having good food, enjoying the 'back home after long' treatment and all that... But the belonging with the city became a question mark. I have been to almost every street in the city (ok... a hyperbole here...) but I didn't know where to go... Mom was busy with her cooking/home management, dad with his business, sis with her studies... Almost every other friend of mine was in Chennai or Bangalore busy with his/her work... Just like the famous quote "Water water everywhere but not a drop to drink" - Madurai did have the same places we used to hangout but I was feeling out of place and the best part is... nobody is to be blamed. If this is the case with the place that nurtured me for over twenty years, I need not mention about Chennai or the US. Tampa again was a classic illustration of this... We kind of settled very well in the place, had a huge gang, loads of fun, lot of travel... But one fine day, our company was chucked out and all of a sudden the place seemed alien. So... coming back to the question, "Where do I really belong?"

The simple but tough to accept answer is - 'Nowhere'. Our priorites at any moment decide where we belong and life as I'd mentioned a lot of times before, is just a travel, a journey to a destination unknown. Love, relationships, commitments, religion, sense of belonging are all feelings that we develop so that we don't feel alienated or meaningless. Imagine a world where everyone realizes that s/he is actually an independent entity surrounded by myths... After all that is what all religions preach... Forget the bondage of relationships and just focus on the Lord Almighty. But the beauty in the preaching remains only as long as the human nature of attachment counterbalances it. If everyone starts believing and practicing it, the response would be "Yeah, I know... So what?" Reminds me of the dialog from the movie iRobot where the introductory slides say "...They are governed by the rules and the rules are meant to be broken". We are all reminded of the absolute truth by religions and our great ancestors; but if everyone starts taking that course to be out of bondage, world would come to a stand still and everyone would die of frustration. The message actually is... "Live as if the entire world is yours but keep in mind that nothing is actually yours!". That is the only way to live happily and in the process, make as many people happy as possible.

Srilanka...

"Munnai itta thee muppuratthile
Pinnai itta thee thennilangayilae
Annai itta thee adivayittrilae
Yaanum itta thee moozhga moozhgavae"

The pyre that I lit is in front... The flames that were started by a tail; are back south in Srilanka (an excrept from Ramayana)... The flame of separation lit by mother is glowing inside me... Let the flame I lit, engulf this body!

-- a famous Pattinatthar song that was plagiarized by Kamal/Vairamuthu for Alavandhan, speaks about the pain of a son cremating his mother, requesting the God of flames to engulf the body. Flames and SriLanka have been having such a close relationship that it hits the mind of a poet and fits into a metaphor on flames. For a long, long time; Srilanka has been in the clutches of war and it's been a seemingly never ending problem that has been on for quite a lot of time now, consuming hundreds or thousands of human lives.

"The Sinhala government is trying to crush us and refuse the rights to Tamizh people in Srilanka. We need to make sure that the Tamils are given their rights and India needs to interfere in this matter to speed up the process." -- LTTE, Tamizh politicians in Srilanka and majority politicians/press reporters/actors/etc in Tamil nadu.

"LTTE is a terrorist outfit trying to ruin the peace in Srilanka by exploiting innocent Tamils. India should help us crush them as a personal victim that lost a Prime minister in a bomb blast organized by the LTTE." -- Srilankan government, Sinhalese, a few politicians in TN.

"LTTE is exploiting us and I was forced to take a gun against the Srilankan army" -- a Tamizh boy in a video.




"It is an internal affair of Srilanka and India cannot really get into it" -- Indian Government.

"Several including two Indian engineers were killed as the LTTE bombed the Srilankan communication centers" -- News.

As Al Pacino says in "The Scent of a Woman", I'm not a judge or jury to really assess who is right and who is wrong here; or what is true and what is not. But the fact is that a lot of innocent people are dying day after day and beyond the layers of politics, international affairs, exploitation, misunderstanding and grudges; there is something called humanity that is supposed to rule every human's heart. Somehow I feel that it's been totally forgotten in this issue and unless humans replace the fabricators, soldiers and politicians involved; I don't think a solution would be possible!

It was a 'novel' time

At last I'm back to blogging after a short break. I neither out of topics nor the zeal to blog; but I had been spending quite a lot of time on writing... Yes! I was attempting to write something that resembles a novel and came up with the first draft of one that is similar (in size) to the short Tamizh novels written by authors like Rajesh Kumar or Subhaa.

It was more of a trial, a venture and an assessment; and right now I've left the judges and the jury my parents and my friends who else :)) to rate it. Let me see how I score... For people who might be interested in knowing what the novel is about (if there are any :D), I'm posting the prologue below...

Sridhar was all alone in the 500 sq ft Kashmiri granite floored bedroom, lavishly decorated with teak wood carvings and Belgian glass. Mona Lisa on the northern wall was wondering if she should smile; while Shanthi was laughing out loud with Sridhar before the Eiffel tower, on the southern wall. The eastern side of the room had a broad teak window mounted with sliding, sound-proof glass doors. The shine along the edges of its blinds spoke of their origin and quality and on the north western side of the window was a giant rosewood cot that carried a couple of cozy queen size beds dressed in brick red silk. Sridhar was introducing wrinkles along the face of the red beauty as he collapsed on it; but he was hardly in any mood to note how odd it looked on the silky surface. He was panting and the centralized air conditioner couldn’t prevent the sweat rolling down his forehead or the tears rolling down his cheeks. “How could Shanthi do this to me?” “What made her do this?” “Where did she go?” “What should I forgive her for?” “How am I going to find her?” “How am I going to answer her parents?” – A million questions bombarded his mind before he could fully understand the situation. The tear soaked letter was orphaned on the dressing table like a piece of a Nuke’s shell lying astray after the explosion. It read

“Please forgive me. I’ll always love you.

Shanthi”

An infinitely definite journey!

The journey seems long
Perhaps, I'm wrong.

Some of us cry
Some of us smile...

An illusion of time
Or a delusion of difference

I know not
What He thought!

Friends so dear
Push us to the rear

Bringing us near
The person in the rear

Faces, they change
As do the names

Lies change seldom
And I sense boredom

It often leaves me thinking
If love's really shrinking

In this infinitely definite journey
To a destination unknown!

Chaos theory

September 2008:

Me: I'm planning to quit the company

Manager: But you were onsite... Why don't you go back there and quit?

Me: I would've if my visa was not cancelled by the embassy.

Manager: What happened?

Me: Got my new Visa through another company and as per policy the embassy cancelled it.

Manager: Any way you can take back this resignation.

Me: Yes. If I can get 20K more per year but I'm sure that is not practically feasible.

Manager: Ok. I'll talk to the onsite team and get back to you.

September 2006:

Manager: Hey! We are getting a new account in New Jersey and I feel we should be having young and dynamic chaps like you in it.

Me: Is it a long term opening?

Manager: Initially you need to be there for a KT and once you are back, you need to setup the team and go back to NJ.

Me: I'm fine with it as long as it a long term opportunity.

July 2008:

Me: I'm f'ed up with this work. I mean I get nothing out of it!

Friend: You have to decide what is good and what is bad for you! If you think this is not for you, then you have to make a decision.

---

Me (In an email): Dear sir, I just wanted to know if I would be able to proceed with the offer that I got back in 2006. Thanks!

Reply: Yes, of course!

December 2006:

Me: You said I had a long term opening here. Now it has been announced that none of them would be released or sent onsite. Moreover the KT I got is incomplete and I'm left unsupported.

Manager: These are management decisions. I can't do much about it.

----

Friend: There is an ad in Hindu Opportunities today. Looks like there is a company that sponsors H1 visa for candidates selected in a tech interview.

Group: Wow! That's good news... Let's try our luck (everyone busy clicking)

May 2008:

Friend & Manager (1) : Hey! Heard you are getting released from your project. There is a wonderful opening for you in Virginia. You need to lead a team of 8 onsite. Will keep you posted!

Me: Thanks! Would be delighted to take it up.

----

Friend & Manager (2): Hey! Heard you are getting released from your project. There is a wonderful opening for you in Boston. It'll be hectic but very interesting. You would be working on RFPs and architectures. Will keep you posted!

Me: Thanks! Please let me know once things are finalized.

----

Friend & Manager (3): Hey! Heard you are getting released from your project. There is a long term onsite coordinator (prod support) opening in California. Would you be interested?

Me: Not really. I heard of better roles from others.

Friend & Manager (3): Is anything confiemd yet?

Me: No! But...

Friend & Manager (3): You just attend the client interview for this project and then you can choose between your options...

Me: Fine...

---

Friend & Manager (4): Hey! Heard you are getting released from your project. I've put you in a long term development assignment in Ohio!

Me: Thanks :)

----

Friend & Manager (3): Hey! You have been allocated into the California project.

Me: But I heard I was about to go to Ohio.

Friend & Manager (3): No. Your allocation has been finalized and I'll sort out the differences if any.

Me: (?!) Okay!

February 2007:

Interviewer: I'm thoroughly impressed. Please wait to collect your offer letter.

Me: Thank you very much.

October 2007:

Email: Congratulations. Your H1 petition has been approved. The petition number is xxxxxx.

Me: :)


April 2007:

Manager: What are you expecting to get your resignation back?

Me: Simple. A long term onsite opprtunity. That's all I'm asking.

Manager: Ok. You'll be travelling to Florida this month. Be ready to fly.

Me: I believe there is no confusion this time.

Manager: You got to trust somebody! :)

October 2008:

Me (In an email): Today is my last day at the company and I'd like to thank...

Me (To self): Should blog about this!

Raman Thediya Seethai

I've been out of movies for quite a while (20 days perhaps but that's too big a duration for me) and Raman Thediya Seethai (RTS as they call it) has been the ice breaker that brought me back into the magical world.

I was under a determination that I should not post many movie reviews in my blog (partly because of the feedback from my friends and partly because it tends to fill the space) but it'd be an injustice if I don't write one for this movie. A meaningful Tamizh movie after a considerably long break, I'd say because Subramaniapuram (the last sane Tamizh movie I saw) was good too but it was more of a character based entertainer than a story-based, theme-driven movie.

A simple story line and a powerful screenplay are the biggest plus points of RTS. Cheran's character and the incidents that happen in his life are so neatly intertwined without the cinematic masala; and the director deserves a special applause for framing such a good sequence of incidents. Pasupathi has also done an excellent job as ever and his body language fits just so neatly into the Nedumaran character. You can never spot a peck of blemish in the way he walks, talks, his sniffing mannerisms, the way he plays a piano or anything he does. As I mentioned in one of my earlier posts, he is one of the unsung heroes IMHO. Cheran has done a great job too but if you are looking at the film from a reviewer's angle, you could see that his performance has some occasional hiccups. The heroine on contrary has acted so well and it was a pleasant surprise to see a character based heroine role enacted by someone who can really act. :) Another department that deserves a special mention is the camera. The backgrounds, the editing and the frame coloring for the songs as well as the scenes are just so superb. I also enjoyed a few interesting visuals like a girl crossing a depressed Cheran, busily talking over phone while a pair of youngsters are involved in the usual romantic chit-chat when the lyrics read "Ulagam yennai vittu suttrudhae...".

The last 15-20 minutes of the movie were dragging I should say. The unnecessary last song and Cheran's inability to understand a girl's love (when she becomes so dull knowing that Cheran is planning to meet another girl) were all fillers as I'd put it. The moral of the story however seems to be partly true and partly wrong. For an individual who lacks perceptional abilities, 5-10 mins couldn't be of great help in understanding someone. But for a person who can read one's eyes and the body language, it isn't too hard to understand the kind of person he is talking to given 20 mins of conversational freedom.

Overall positives: Story, screenplay, Star performance, Camera
Overall negatives: Slightly lengthy second half, Unnecessary last song and very poor match between the heroine who looks like a stallion and Cheran who is so puny.

I'd say RTS is a must-watch movie though it is not completely picture-perfect.

Travel...

A casual post after a quite long time on a topic that almost everyone loves... :)

Be it a train to Guruvaayoor, a bus to Paappanaayakkampatti or an airplane to the Alps, travel is an interesting experience. Unless the purpose of the travel is something disastrous, quite a lot of noticeably interesting things happen in our journeys and I usually correlate the time spent traveling to that of life; for life in my view is an elongated journey where you know the origin but not the destination! (Ok... no more philosophies... I swear!)

You could see all sorts of characters as though someone really followed statistical techniques to create the sample. People who lock their 1970s model Aristocrat briefcase with a 3 feet long cast iron chain with such a meticulous perfection without realizing that one punch on the face of that briefcase would give two (unusable) briefcases, people who travel short distances with loads and loads of luggages most of which is packed with food and snacks (indha oru vaai saappttu padutthukkappaa... Ippao dhaanammaa murukku thinnaen), people who try to show off their kid's wit/intelligence (amma paer enna, maamaa enna color shirt paottrukkaaru), people who rush to restrooms as soon as the flight takes off as though they've been holding their leak for hours together just so they can be the first to use the restrooms in the plane, people who always choose upper berths in trains just so they can start snoring with the first whistle of the engine, people who stare at vacuum as though it's the doom's day with their ipod plugged to their ears, people who are so curious about others or those who try to be way too friendly... Such a variety that leaves you no short of entertainment.

The best entertainer of the lot I'd say is a flight journey especially if you are taking a 12+ hrs flight from one part of the world to the diametric opposite end of it. Don't know if its the prolonged flight or the curiosity, people are at their hilarious (or may be it's just me) best in such trips. If the neighbor happens to be a good looking chick, all possible gimmicks would be on to impress her. Turning on that cool look, heavily accented English, denying drinks that were his targets when he boarded the flight and trying to talk to her at every single opportunity are the symptoms of flightfigurophilia (Now don't Wiki that!! :)); one of the most interesting diseases on the planet. But I often commend Murphy for his laws and I'm not sure a Nobel was awarded to him (if not it's a grave injustice). You never get a good looking girl for your neighbor and almost always your neighbor is a guy who has the dumbest looks on the planet and keeps drinking every flavor of alcohol that is on board. Some other times, you keep praying for an empty row just so you could stretch yourself and sleep; and there comes the most talkative neighbor you could think of, not even allowing you to watch a movie in peace. :)

All in all, there are two best ways to kill boredom - call for a meeting or plan a short trip with your eyes wide open!

LHC and India

The Large Hardon Collider (LHC) has been the talk of the town for quite a while now, at least among the educated mass. An extremely simplified explanation of this experiment is that it is an effort by a bunch of nerds to identify ('try to identify' to be more precise) what has been happening after the big-bang. So what the hell is big-bang? That is the way most of these nerds would like to explain how the universe came to a state it is in, today. One particle of extreme energy and density exploded (the explosion is called the big bang) and poof came the elements in this universe. Text books that were prescribed to me back in the higher sec days used to tell that this theory is intended to explain the creation of the universe. But actually there is no theory till date that explains how the universe was created! These theories rather assume that 'something' existed to begin with and then they explain what could've happened in that 'something' that resulted in the evolution of this universe. Okay... enough on the theories part! Let me get to the point that I wanted to get to... :)

As much as I appreciate the efforts by the scientists to really know and understand what happened/happens in this universe, IMHO these experiments eat up way too much funds. When millions of fellow humans are dying out of hunger, poverty, thirst and malnutrition every year, spending billions of dollars on experimentation and research seems really weird. People who were ready to spend so much money just to know how universe was when it first came into existence are not ready to spend as much to make sure none in the world dies for the want of food. In a way, aren't these 'developed' nations responsible for the underdeveloped status of African and Asian countries? Isn't their past jingoism responsible for the extreme underpricing of the African, Asian currencies in the international market today? But I'd partly agree with people who say "Yeah! It's my buck. I decide how to spend it" because as much as it doesn't make sense in the humanitarian view, it does make sense at least from a commercial and practical point of view. So let me set aside the countries with surplus budgets for now.

India as everyone knows has never seen a surplus budget in the recent past and when I see that India has offered 1000+ crores (1 Crore = 10 Million) for this LHC, I was dumbfounded to say the least. We don't have sufficient power to keep our houses bright. We have a considerable chunk of the population that earns well below 10K a year. We are running deficit for the past 50+ years. The infrastructure is horrible to say the least. But we are offering 1000+ crores to know how the universe was when it came into existence!!! Reminds me of a comic quote in Tamizh - "Pullayaarae perucchaali la paoikirukkaaru... Poosaarikki bullettu kaekkudhaa!!". I guess you could make out what that could mean based on the previous statements! :)

Black swans?!

"There is no culture out there", "They don't value relationships", "What kind of a living style is that" are some common phrases that one could commonly hear from Indians who have never been out of the country. If you are wondering whom they are commenting on, it's none but the westerners which in Indian dictionary means US for about 75% of the time and UK for the rest. Trust me... the world map has only a very few countries in the Indian perspective :)

But let's see how much truth is contained in the aforementioned opinions... Perhaps these opinions are based on the "My kids and your kids are playing with our kids" part of the western life. A few days at the Indian metros would clearly indicate that this culture has started spreading its wings in India too! With the traditional Hindu culture vanishing pretty quickly especially in urban India, we are no longer the source of the beautiful and unadultrated cultural light. That apart, do we have any great plus points that we can boast of?

Suspicion, lack of respect for others, fraud, needless hurry and so many other flaws can be easily spotted in us but still we claim that westerners lack culture. People might object this view especially mentioning that it's subjective but to be honest, I've seen the proportions blowing out in our people than the others. Hindu mythology says that a swan can extract just the milk out of a milk, water cocktail; leaving behind the adulteration. It is often quoted as a sign of being selective; and selective in a positive manner. But I strongly feel that we are being negative selectors just getting what we aren't supposed to get and forgetting what we need to get. Physical fitness, empathy for others, discipline, honesty, harmony and a lot of other qualities are out there in the west for us to learn or rather re-discover. But in reality we insist on seeing the black dot on a white sheet.

If we fail to understand our culture or their culture completely; and get into this coccoon of artificial cultural supremacy, we are not too far from facing the bitter reality and when we do, the impact would be much more negative than we expect it to be.

Did I stop blogging?

The longest breaks I've been taking between posts have been increasing over the past few weeks. Does that mean I've stopped blogging? Not really! Lots and lots of thoughts have been piling up in my mind like December snow but somehow framing that into a view and then into a post has been on hold for a while like a silent observer gathering data to paint the final picture!

Now that the flakes of thoughts have piled up into a hill, I'd soon be delivering processed bits with my trademark writing style :D "Adhi viraivil" as Tamizh movie producers put it... :)

Music - Divinity redefined

Music... Something that is in everything, lingering around like the sweet fragrance of millions of roses carried by a morning breeze; appeasing everyone who cares to listen. Perhaps God wanted to stress its importance so strongly that Mother Nature is completely loaded with vibrations so versatile as to form the biggest Orchestra one could ever imagine.

Even though I'm not someone who is notorious for playing songs forever and ever in my computer, I simply love music (who doesn't) and generally I listen to melodies ranging from Ilaiyaraja to Boyzone. I was preempted with the thought that melody is a better form of music until the recent days when I realized music is much more than that.

When the music that is being played suits your mood, songs that you considered remotely appealing might turn into your favorite, especially when the lyrics appeal you. I became a Linkin park lover during my hard times and a western classical music lover during my lonely days in the new state. When your mood, the music and the lyrics resonate in Unison the mind melts into the music and the feeling is just priceless!

In short, I'd say art is a special gift from God to the Homo sapiens and music is God Himself.

The unsung heroes...

Quite unusually, this time the topic is pretty straight forward and I'm going to scribble on the literal meaning of the phrase - the unsung heroes of Tamizh cinema.

In the era of a (the?!) superstar, a universal hero, Manirathnam, ARR, P.C. Sriram, Vairamuthu and others, the standard of tamizh cinema is growing better everyday and the industry's popularity is also growing with it. But are we stepping over a lot of talented artists to see the magic created by the cream? Perhaps, yes! We are... Tamizh cinema has seen and is seeing a lot of talented persons whose talents have been commended then and forgotten right there!

The first person who inspired me write this post is Pasupathi. I missed his movie 'Veyil' earlier and a few days back when I saw the movie, I was blown away by his stunning performance. His expressiveness made us see Murugesan alive on the screen! I still remember the encomiums he had after the movie but then what growth did he get after that? Were there any serious movies where he demonstrated his ability? Nope! And for people who say Kuselan, I couldn't give anything more than a smile for a reply. Afterall if you look at the trailer, you don't have many scenes of Pasupathi left in the movie!

The second person I could think of is Sangeetha a.k.a Rasika (and if you wanna question me why I didn't mention heroines in the title, I'd be forced to reply in Vadivelu style - "Kaekkura kaelviya paatthaa reporter maadhiriyae teriyalayae!" in one of his awesome comedies from Pudhumai pitthan). At least to me she is a good looking girl and she has been used in innumerous glamor roles since the late 90s. She proved her acting abilities in Pithamagan, had a lot of coverage in the media and phew... she was gone like a lightning; her presence noticed but long gone. I'm not sure if he did a single Tamizh movie after Pithamagan.

One could easily point a lot of such talents, lost in the maddening crowd while Vijay makes the same movies with different names and Simbhu introduces varieties of smooches into Tamizh movies. I'm not against them; and as long as they have people who admire them, they have all rights to continue what they do. My concern is more on the people who aspire to become actors, sacrifice everything else for this cause and wait through the mental (and physical too for heroines) turmoils to prove their abilities; just to get lost in this culture. A person who never knew light would've learnt to live with darkness forever atleast cursing it every day but a person who saw a streak of light as bright as a parting soul, before being encompassed by darkness would have a deep wound remaining in him/her forever. I hope and pray that we don't leave too many injured souls drop off the industry with heavy hearts!

Independence day!

Before I start my gibberish, let me wish you all a Happy Independence Day!

Independence has continued to be one of the 'self-esteem' needs of a human being long before the Maslow's pyramid was even forumulated. I couldn't imagine a life without the feeling of freedom, the feeling of having the right to make your own decisions and the right to pursue what you feel is right!

But if we closely think about how independent we are, it's roller coaster ride in a dark tunnel of thoughts. How much independence do we have in deciding what is good and what is bad? What kind of independence will make us run like mad dogs after the western culture? What kind of independence will let our own people betray the fellow Indians and make a corrupt living? What kind of independence will leave educated Indians yearning for the Forex rates to manage the inflation rates? What kind of independence will let us think about a thousand ways to divide ourselves and ensure that a fellow Indian belonging to the other group suffers? Questions are just endless...

The apparent foreign exploitation and monopoly could've gone long back. But like a handicapped kid in a deserted land, we've been limping around for a long time now, letting others name us a 'developing' nation. The dream of becoming a 'developed' nation has been in the minds of Indians for ages now! Let's forget our differences, unite towards that cause and make sure we get the real independence pretty soon and that day the world would turn back and salute to our flag!

A life without desires!

Religions usually drill down to one simple way to happiness in their simplistic sense - being free from desires. A famous slokha in Sanskrit says "He who is addicted to desires is a slave to the entire world and he who controls desires controls the entire world". This might be true in the sense of being free from the clutches of desire and forcing yourself to do something that you don't like; purely because you have no other choice to get your desires fulfilled.

But let us look at the other side of it; from the first person singular perspective. If I start becoming free from desires, how would my life be? Will it be totally different from what it is right now? From a bird's eye perspective yes! It might be completely free from all bondage and my soul would be filled with happiness... But let's dive deep into that imagination of freedom to understand how such a life will be.

Getting free from desires is pretty much equivalent to getting out of all possible relationships because to me it doesn't make sense to have someone depend on you and ask them to believe what you belive in. If they love their lives, cherish their desires and dreams and derive happiness out of it; they are free to do so. With a major portion in a human's life viz., the social circle cut off, life is nothing more than existence. I mean, you are free from desires and you have no one/nothing in this world to be called your own. So what's left out apart from just existing as one of the gazillions of dust particles in this universe? What is the purpose of that life? Why should the creator get you into the cycle of birth? Just so you exist? That is sheer nonsense in my terms.

Let me look at the whole thing from my current perspective. I'm here at the US and almost everyone I seriously care about is at the diametric opposite end of the earth's sphere. I do some crap work all through the day, being totally unhappy about what I do and of course earn money out of it. The possible sources of happiness that one could assume in a life like this are the happiness of his parents, the so called status quo, the trips that he makes, the friends that he meets and the places that he sees. The bottom line is that everything is desire-driven. If I stop these along with the interactions with my family/social circle back in India, how would my life look like? The only filler to my completely empty life is this feeling of belonging to the world; and if that is cut out life is nothing more than pain and I'm not a masochist to derive pleasure out of this pain! Without a dream to pursue, without a plan of action, life seems as empty from both corners of the world and the everlasting illusion of things being better at the other end applies to life too. I can vouch for it because I had a feeling that life would turn towards betterment if I earn some money traveling overseas and now I feel that life back in India is much better.

Perhaps people who had everything at the snap of their fingers felt that life sucks big time and came up with the concept of shunning away everything; believing the greener grass at the other end. But here I am, saying life sucks no lesser; and the only way to make it meaningful is to dream big time and chase them. A perfect Catch 22!

Let's get to work

One prominent advantage of being in IT industry is that it offers (arguably) the most colorful work atmosphere that is a cocktail of people from various backgrounds who are notably different in many aspects including accent, behavior, appearance, character, approach, political view and almost everything human, you could imagine. Perhaps IT is the true Bharatha Vilas that has a sample of thousands of diversified Indians in one location and quite obviously any one with a moderate sense of humor will have a good time herel at least with the work place. (Projects suck though :D)

You could see clean shaven, formally dressed, extremely sincere, highly talented... ok I could've made it simpler saying 'nerds'... who exist for the computer, by the computer and of the computer and his immediate neighbor would be the one who spends most of the time talking to his girl friends, reading news sites (inpormation is wealth :D), checking stock prices and playing ping pong (I no longer call it TT coz I'm in the US ;) :D)! Ironically this guy would be sent onsite (the biggest dream for anyone who enters the industry afresh and a requirement for someone who has been around for a while) while the nerd would still be venting out his hard feelings to his wife a.k.a the computer. You could invariably see someone at the cafetaria or the coffee vending machine irrespective of the time and the most commonly discussed topics would be the cruel attitude of their managers, useless nature of the project and of course girls... (guys if it were girls holding the tea cups)

With almost equal number of guys and girls, that too youngsters, you would be never short of Romeos and Juliets (at least they think so :)) out here. Murphy's law somehow holds good for most of the guys and those who are handsome and/or looking out for girls will invariably end up in a dry-project (no girls) and they will be the only ones to remain in that project forever when everyone else gets released from the team due to downsizing or ramp down as they call it. However the normal distribution curve takes the shape of a sort inclined at 10 degrees (counter-clockwise to be more accurate) when it comes to the probability of finding a good chick. If you ask a girl she might tell the same thing about guys too but the degree of inclination will not be as low as 10 degrees for sure :) But that's not the worst part. The worst part is when an average looking girl who was admirable in simple dresses will suddenly be promoted to the 'pigar op the project' status resulting in diametric changes in behavior and importantly dressing style. Like Surya says in Kaakka kaakka she always walks with her head held (too) high and will start wearing dresses that would scare the s%^t out of Ramarajan.

The sampling technique of India is even fine tuned when it comes to sending resources on deputation (typically to US) which results in a even better mix of varying cultures. Andhra guys use 'aa' as a universal question tag (the movie is good'aa', had good food'aa'), Tamizh guys form sentences that are literally translated from their mother tongue (I'm saying that only no), Mallu guys specialize in providing a German tone to English (Ee said ee wond be kamming to the Oooofees) and Northies are known for their accents (thaharty {30}) and sentence formations (Now only I'm saying this that I won't be able to come yar); and they are all a part of this ecosystem and many a times the species co-exist (as roomies) doubling the fun to anyone who watches them converse.

But the best of the lot is to see a bunch of girls working for the same project on a US deputation. All of a sudden they'll all turn into Annalakshmis adorned in trousers and a bright colored shirt. Not to mention the cosmetics and the pink colored lipsticks :D They come very early to the office (I mean seriously) around 8 AM and go out to get a cup of coffee. By the time they come back (around 9 AM), everyone would start coming to office. They go to their cubes or 'offices' as they call it here and start checking their mails. Then comes a flurry of meetings and if you want me to describe what happens in a meeting, I remember my friend's way of defining it - "Feeling lonely, Getting bored, Wanna feel important - call for a meeting" . More or less that is how a meeting is and they'll have continuous meetings from 9 - 12 (lunch time) and you should look at them when they switch between meetings carrying loads of paper work, heaving a sigh of despair, walking faster than someone who is running... Honestly you would be damned if someone says they are not having much of a work load. 12 - 1:30 is the lunch hour where everything happening in the world is brought to the table; and by the time they come back to their cubes it will be about 1:45. The second round of mail checking begins and 3 PM sharp they break for tea which lasts for about 30 minutes. Upon return they take a power nap before the 17" monitor and the first one who wakes up gives a wake up call to everyone and off they go at 5 PM. If something seems to prevent their routine, they often visit each other's offices just so that someone visiting their office would think they are out in a meeting. Trust me... It's unbelievable fun for someone who observes them carefully. But the best part is the manager will never know anything because he comes in my 10 (and everyone in the gang would be in by then) and will leave at 4 (when these people are sincerly taking their power naps). But a poor guy who asks for a vacation or comes in at 10:05 would be called for a one-one; which means abusing a person without using the slang! :D

All in all, IT has not been an enjoyable experience to me once I crossed the initial few days where I learnt a lot; and since then the only good point I could think of as being offered by IT industry is this entertainment and honestly it deserves a special recognition... :)

P.S: This is purely based on personal experiences and if you are a girl who is on a deputation and working hard all along (chances of which are pretty less), please understand that the article has been written in a generalistic and light sense. Exceptions are not examples! :)

Opening the closed window...

I hadn't blogged for a while now and perhaps this is the longest break between two of my posts... The world was as busy as ever and my window was open too... But like a passenger moving in a train, the scenes were long gone before I could capture, think over and express my feelings on them. I was about to write on music when I heard a lovely piece of Irish music, on digital photography as I was looking out for a dSLR, on the way guys and girls work in an office and a lot of other stuff! But somehow, I didn't get the mind and the mood to pen down those thoughts. One basic reason - lack of belonging... But where? That's a tough question to answer; but with life in general... I'd say it's primarily because of my dissatisfaction with work! The industry works as it does and as it has been; but I've stopped running with it like the way Tom Hanks stops running in Forrest Gump... I'm simply tired of it! :)

When this disjoint steps into the main stream, weekends become the definition of ecstasy on week days and home becomes the definition of ecstasy during weekends. Dreams and thoughts over crowd your mind and like a kid lost in Ranganathan street I keep walking with the crowd, with mind filled with an expectation to find a familiar face and everything else around me is blurry. Perhaps it's high time to take a break and wait till the mud settles down!